FW: Funny 1 liners

 

 

 

ONE LINERS 


1. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I'm perfect.

2. If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

3. If I save time, when do I get it back?

4. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

5. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

6. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

7. The statement below is true. The statement above is false.

8. As I said before, I never repeat myself.

9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a, work station... What more can I say

10. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work.

11. A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

14. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.

15. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

16. I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

17. I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

18. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?

20. Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

21. How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

22. Don't frown. You never know who is falling in Love with your smile.

23. The Best of debates is should women have children after 35? No, 35 children are enough

24. Living on Earth may be expensive... but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun..

25. Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep!

26. ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY So what? Who's in a hurry?

27. Can you do anything that other people can't? Sure, I can read my handwriting.

28. If you are a vegetarian just because you want to be good to animals, then why eat their food.

29. If you think your boss is stupid, remember you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.

30. Why does life keep teaching me lessons, when I have no desire to learn..

31. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

 

 

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Don't be like this....

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him.

 

Lying in front of the car was a donkey…………….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--
Nishant V. Patel

Miracle - a true story

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar
from its hiding place in the closet. She poured the change out on
the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total
had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes. Carefully
placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she
slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's
Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door. She
waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention
but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make
a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most
disgusting sound she could muster No good. Finally she took a
quarter from her jar and banged it on the glasscounter. That did it!

 

And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone
of voice. "I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't
seen in ages," he said without waiting for a reply to his question

 

Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered
back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick... and I
want to buy a miracle."

 

''I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.

 

His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his
head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how
much does a miracle cost?"

 

We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't
help you," the pharmacist said, softening a little.

 

"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I
will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."

 

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down
and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your
brother need?"

 

I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. "I just
know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But
my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."

 

How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago.

 

One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly. "And
it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."

 

Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven
cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers.

 

" He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he
grasped her mitten and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your

 

brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."

 

That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon,
specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed
without charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and
doing well. Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of
events that had led them to this place.

 

That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real miracle. I wonder
how much it would have cost?" Tess smiled. She knew exactly how
much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents .....

 

plus the faith of a little child. A miracle is not the
suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher
law......

A TRUE STORY

Never underestimate a malayalee!!

An old one, but one of those I still remember........

Enjoy!

~Nishant

Kuttappan is a Mallu...!

 

Kuttappan was bragging to his boss one day, "You know that I know everyone there is to know in this world. Just name someone, I mean anyone and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Kuttappan how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

 

So Kuttappan and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts,"Kuttapa! Great to see you!

 

You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

 

Although impressed, Kuttappan's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Kuttappan that he thinks Kuttappan's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

 

"No, no, just name anyone else", Kuttappan says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Kuttappan says, "I know him, let's fly out toWashington."And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Kuttappan on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Kutts, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Kuttappan who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Kuttappan. Kuttappan and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Kuttappan says,

 

"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.So he disappears into the crowd, headed toward the Vatican.

 

Sure enough, half an hour later Kuttappan emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Kuttappan returns, he finds that his boss has had a minor heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

 

Working his way to his boss' side, Kuttappan asks him, "what happened?"

 

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Kuttappan?

 

Moral of the story -

--------------------

Don't ever underestimate a Malayalee!!!!