Pissed off!!!!!

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and
confided to the bartender, `I`m so pissed off!`
`Oh yeah? What happened?` asked the bartender politely.
`See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we
stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to
make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had
to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my
fingernails!

`Gee, that`s tough!` commiserated the bartender.

`Right, but that`s not what really got me aggravated,` the customer went on.
`When her husband came into the room he said `Hey great! You`re naked
already! Let me just take a leak`. And damned if the lazy son of a
bitch didn`t piss out the window right onto my head?`

Yeech!` the bartender shook his head. `No wonder you`re in a lousy mood.`

`Yeah, but I haven`t told you what really really got to me.` Next, I
had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished,
the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it
land ? `My damned forehead !`

'Damn, that really is a drag !` says the bartender.

`Oh, I`m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the
husband had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so
he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !`
The bartender paled. `That would sure mess up my day.`

`Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, `but do you know what REALLY
REALLY REALLY pissed me off ? When I looked down and saw that myfeet
were only SIX inches off the ground!!`

Short Sardar Special Joke

Fed up people making fun of him, Santa Singh (the sardar) decided to
change his religion. He joined a priest in a church
as his assistant. One day the priest was called away for an emergency.
Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended,
he called Santa D'costa (his new assistant) and asked him to cover for
him. Santa told him he wouldn't know what to say,
but the priest told him to stay with him for a little while and learn
what to do.

Santa joined the priest and then followed him into the confessional. A
few minutes later a woman came in and said 'Father,
forgive me for I have sinned'
Priest: 'What did you do?'
Woman: ' I committed adultery'
Priest: 'How many times?'
Woman: 'Three times'
Priest: 'Say Two Hail Marys, put $ 5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more'

A few minutes later a man entered the confessional.

He said : 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned'
Priest: 'What did you do?'
Man: 'I committed adultery'
Priest: 'How many times?'
Man: 'Three times'
Priest: 'Say two Hail Marys, put $ 5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more'

Santa, a quick learner, told the priest that he understood the job and
the priest could leave. Santa D'costa was now alone.

A few minutes later another woman entered and said 'Father, forgive me
for I have sinned'
Santa: 'What did you do?'
Woman: 'I committed adultery'
Santa: 'How many times?'
Woman: 'Once'
Santa: 'Go do it two more times, we have a special offer this week,
three times for $ 5.00'

Gmail Account Warning!!! ( Verify Your Account now To Avoid It Closed)

G MAI L BETA
 

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Fwd: Fw: The Stock Market simply illustrated. ... is there a lesson here?

> Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
> villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10. The villagers seeing that
> there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started
> catching
> them. The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish,
> the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now
> buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started
> catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people
> started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and
> the
> supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a
> monkey let alone catch it.
>
> The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he
> had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on
> behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the
> villagers.
> Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I
> will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you
> can sell it to him for Rs50." The villagers squeezed up with all their
> savings to buy the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant,
> only monkeys everywhere!! !! -
>
> Welcome to the Market!!!!!

--
Nishant V. Patel

A BRIDGE TOO FAR

 An excellent conversation b/w Lord Ram and Hanuman, about the state of social affairs, mind set of the ppl, politics, bureaucracy, work culture in India...read on...

The Lord surveyed the Ram Setu and said "Hanuman, how diligently and strenuously you and your vanara sena had built this bridge several centuries back. It is remarkable that it has withstood the ravages of the climatic and geographical changes over centuries. It is indeed an amazing feat especially considering the fact that a bridge at Hyderabad built by Gammon using latest technology collapsed the other day even before they could stick the posters on its pillars."

Hanuman with all humility spoke "Jai Sri Ram, it is all because of your grace.

We just scribbled your name on the bricks and threw them in the sea and they held. No steel from TISCO or cement from Ambuja or ACC was ever used. But Lord, why rake up the old issue now."

Ram spoke "Well, Hanuman some people down there want to demolish the bridge and construct a canal. The contract involves lot of money and lot of money will be made. They will make money on demolition and make more money on construction. "

Hanuman humbly bowed down and said "Why not we go down and present our case"

Ram said "Times have changed since we were down there. They will ask us to submit age proof and we don't have either a bi rth certificate or school leaving certificate. We traveled mainly on foot and some times in bullock carts and so we don't have a driving license either. As far as the address proof is concerned the fact that I was born at Ayodhya is itself under litigation for over half a century, If I go in a traditional attire with bow and arrow, the ordinary folks may recognize me but Arjun Singh may take me to be some tribal and, at the most, offer a seat at IIT under the reserved category. Also, a God cannot walk in dressed in a three-piece suit and announce his arrival. It would make even the devotees suspicious. So it is dilemma so to say."

"I can vouch for you by saying that I personally built the bridge."

"My dear, Anjani putra, it will not work. They will ask you to produce the lay-out plan, the project details, including financial outlay and how the project cost was met and the completion certificate. Nothing is accepted without documentary evidence in India . You may cough but unless a doctor certifies it, you have no cough. A pensioner may present himself personally but the authorities do not take it as proof. He has to produce a life-certificate to prove that he is alive. It is that complicated."

"Lord can't understand these historians. Over the years you have given darshan once every hundred years to saints like Surdas, Tulsidas, Saint Thyagaraja, Jayadeva, Bhadrachala Ramdas and even Sant Tukaram and still they disbelieve your existence and say Ramayana is a myth. The only option, I see, is to re-enact Ramayana on earth and set the government records straight once for all."

Lord smiled "It isn't that easy today. Ravan is apprehensive that he may look like a saint in front of Karunanidhi. I also spoke to his mama Mareecha, who appeared as a golden deer to tempt Sita maiyya when I was in the forest and he said that he won't take a chance of stepping on earth as long as Salman Khan is around."

Dont Say No to Man In Bed... !!!

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silver back gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy. He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!

"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said,

 

 

 

 

 

" Now, tell him that you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD NOW."

Fwd: Scrabble

 

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)! FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE When you rearrange the letters: FLIT ON CHEERING ANGEL DILIP VENGSARKAR When you rearrange the letters: SPARKLING DRIVE BARA THEDA When you rearrange the letters: ARAB DEATH PRINCESS DIANA When you rearrange the letters: END IS A CAR SPIN MONICA LEWINSKY When you rearrange the letters: NICE SILKY WOMAN   DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROO M PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE   GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE   When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY   ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE   ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

 

 

Fwd: funny !

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of
dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it
instead
of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend
all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in
20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

One liners from Dilbert

Dilbert's one liners

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and
the blinking red light.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate
it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week.

--
Nishant V. Patel

HOW WAS I BORN?

DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies,
"Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
Cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother Agreed
to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to Upload, we
discovered that neither One of us had used a firewall, but it was too
late to hit the delete Button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message Saying that her
operating system was showing signs of unauthorized Program activity
from a self extracting file which had implanted In her BIOS. Then nine
months later a little Pop-Up appeared And said: You've Got Male'!"