YAPJC *

Q - In a pond there are 10 fish, one of them dies, and the water level of
the pond increases. How?




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A - The other 9 fish are crying.................



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Once 5 CHIPKALIs (house lizards) : Phulwa, RaamPyaari,
RaamDulari,RaamPuri and RaamChuri were crawling on the wall when
all of a sudden, Phulwa started to sing a song. The moment Phulwa
stopped singing the song, RaamPyaari,RaamDulari, RaamPuri and RaamChuri
fell down from the wall !!!... WHY ???


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coz, they all started clapping !!!!


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What wud u call a Gal who never laughs....?
- ...and the Answer
is..........
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- HASINA !



Whatz a PJ ?
Obviously "a poor joke"





Whatz a (P + i J)?









- A "complex poor joke"


Why don't people laugh on a "complex poor joke" ?

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- Bcoz the joke part of it is imaginary.



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A railway station beggar meets another beggar.
A software engineer meets another software engineer.
Both of them ask the same question to each other.
What is the question?











































"So, which platform are you working on?"










*****************************-*************************
Question: Two hairs on a bald man's head fall in love with each
other and want to get married, but cannot.
Why?







;;;;;;;;;;;


\\


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Ans: Because under Indian laws, "baal vivaah" is illegal.

*YAPJC = Yet Another PJ Collection

~Nishant

Tomatoes

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.

He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be  hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day. "Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-techfirm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves.
Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25lb crate of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e- mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail?
No computer?
No Internet?
Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man.
"If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also 

 

~Nishant

Diary of wife and husband

HER DIARY

Sunday night I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed.

I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today India lost. DAMN IT.

 

 

Ageing

HAVE YOU BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

HMMM, OR COULD HE???

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. "HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1957. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

" WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

Why did the hen cross the road ?

Why did the hen cross the road? 

Nursery Kid : To go on the other side.

Kurt Cobain : She really had no exciting life. She'd rather be hated for who she is, than loved for who she is not.  There are a lot of things she have would done, instead of just sitting around and hatching eggs and then complaining about having a boring life. So I would pretty much like to say it was better for the hen to burn out than fade away.

Eric Clapton : I mean, it didn't matter to me that the hen crossed the road, it didn't matter. Just the melody as she sung the immigrant song while crossing was so captivating that it helped me to get rid of those inhibitions. I mean, the sound was so hypnotic and addictive to me, that I could cross any kind of border with the hen to go wherever she goes.

Bruce Dickinson : For the greater good of God.

Brittney Spears : You know baby, the hen just did it again. The hen and I are friends no matter what the media makes up. I always meet that hen because we're so close. We're almost like sisters, and we're also close because our moms are sisters. So I know the reason why she crossed. She saw a cock and maybe she did not want to wait to have S** until she was married. Oops I forgot to say the hen also liked rock and roll like me! She also sung that song in one of my shows you know.

John Lennon : Imagine all the hens, especially the middle east one's, crossing roads in peace.

David Gilmour : The hen's ideology has depth, and attempts philosophical thought and meaning with discussions of infinity, eternity and mortality to follow. There is a line which people cross that turns it into some magical, mystical realm, for which I don't claim responsibility and don't hold any great truck with. The hen crossed that very line.

Eddie Vedder : The hen did not need drugs to make her life tragic. I just think that all of us in this room should have a voice in how the USA reacts to this situation. And he doesn’t allow us our voice, that's all I'm saying.

Madonna :  Deep in its heart the hen was concealing things that she was longing to say. Scared to confess what she felt - frightened she stood. Finally it decided to be brave and cross the road. A lot of people are afraid to do what they want. That's why they don't get what they want. The hen got what she wanted.

Jim Morrison : The hen was a drug addict. It was not in its senses as it crossed the road. She knew that death would make angel of her and give her wings where she had shoulders smooth as ravens claws. People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess the hen knew that Death is her only friend. I think a truck went over her as she crossed. She went on a unknown journey.

Bono - The hen wanted to have fun, and she wanted to change the world. She had a chance to do both. She did it.

Jimi Hendrix - The hen made me feel sad. After a while I started getting aware of her crossing the road, it started to bring me down a little bit. I got a pet monkey called Charlie Chan. It used to trouble that hen. Due to this depression she finally decided to cross the road and leave this old Nebraska town.

Robert Plant - Yes, I have confirmed this with Jimmy. The hen did cross. It's sort of a feeling of power. It's really the ability to make people smile, or just to turn them one way or another for that duration of time, and for it to have some effect later on. I don't really think its power... it's the goodness...and the aura that the hen left us with as she crossed the road.

Freddie Mercury :   Cause it wanted to break free and that's the reason that most of these media people don’t understand.

Jon Bon Jovi : The hen wanted to attend my Piano lessons. That's why she crossed the road. This inspired my band to make 'Crossroads'. Piano playing is a dying art. I love the fact that I can be one guy with one instrument evoking an emotional and musical experience. A lot of hens and cats are my students. Apart from that you know I can sing. The hen knows that too. George Bush knows that. I mean I really can. Why do you think Bon Jovi is such a big hit? ..ugh..did I hear Sambora?

Eminem : The hen knew who the real slim shady was. It was the f* hen. It was f* Brittney Spears and she f* stood up and crossed the f* road. The hen was no one else but Spears. Trust me as my nigga Dr. Dre will f* tell you exactly the f* same.

Priceless

A guy woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sat down and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it is in perfect order, ...spotless, ...clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love
You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Rohit asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, he asked, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said , "hey !!!!!!! leave me alone! I'm married!"

Moral

Breakfast -- Rs. 100.00

Self-induced hangover -- Rs. 2000.00

Broken furniture -- Rs. 20,000.00

Saying The Right Thing While Drunk - "PRICELESS" !!!!!!!!!!!!

Actual writings on some patient's cards at Kenyatta Hospital

* Actual writings on some patient's cards at Kenyatta Hospital
*
1. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid .(!!)
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal over function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
a stockbroker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Wangui, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
 

 

~Nishant

FW: ~~~5O mOre faCts~~~

 

---

From: Kiran Shekhar (RBIN/ECR3)
Sent: Thursday, 17. May 2007 4:04 PM
To: Ankur Sharma (RBIN/ECR3)
Subject: FW: ~~~5O mOre faCts~~~

 

 

Kiran G Shekhar
ECR-3 / Kor 905
Extn-66574391

 

---

From: Thanuja G (RBIN/ECA1)
Sent: Thursday, 17. May 2007 3:04 PM
To: Sandhya Peravali (RBIN/ECA1); Suhas Shah (RBIN/ECA1); Saravana K (RBIN/ECA1); Balasubramani V (RBIN/ECA1); Vanishree A C (RBIN/ECA1); Kiran Shekhar (RBIN/ECR3)
Subject: FW: ~~~5O mOre faCts~~~

 

---

From: Prashanth J Rao [mailto:Prashanth.J@synopsys.com]
Sent: Thursday, 17. May 2007 10:33 AM
To: Naveen R Baratanki; Siddharth Patil (RBIN/ECC2); Ravindra Manturgi (RBIN/EDI1); Hari ri; Parveen Taj; banu prakash; Soumya; Asha Joshi (RBIN/EDT-T1); Bhagyashri Mayya; Jyothi Balehosur (B'gloreauto); priya nebhwani; Thanuja G (RBIN/ECA1); chandrika av; Kirti Nadagouda (RBIN/ECC1)
Subject: ~~~5O mOre faCts~~~

 

1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.
2. A raisin dropped in a glass of freshchampagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.


3. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
4. 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
5. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.


6. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.


7. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.


8. Most lipstick contains fish scales.


9. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.


10. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.


12. There are no clocks in Las Vegas g@mbling casin0s.
13. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.


14. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.


15. The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!
16. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
17. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
18. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.


19. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
20. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.


21. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.


22. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.


23. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
24. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.


25. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.
26. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
27. A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321.
28. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

29. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
30. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
31. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
32. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
33. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
34. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".
35. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
36. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".
37. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
39. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.

40. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines.
41. Coca-Cola can be used as car oil.
42. Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.
43. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
44. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.
45. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka.


46. There are more chickens than people in the world.


47. It's against the law in Iceland to have a dog.


48. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
49. The only word in the English Language with all vowels in reverse order is "s ub c ont in ent al".


50. There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.

ForwardSourceID:NT0001464E
ForwardSourceID:NT00009676

Software engineering

. Thank you for your cooperation.

Updated! must see

 

 

Dont miss the that last one!

 

TO KILL A " LION"  COMPANIES FOLLOWS METHOD 
 

 

 

 

  Satyam Method:

 

Hire a lion....

 

Place him in "QRU"(Bench)  for 1 year

Tell him to change his technology from ASP.NET to JAVA or Powerbuilder

 

Lion dies in confusion he is Cat or lion......

 

Cognizant Method:

hire a lion... ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.

give him gobi 65 to eat again and again.

hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit

give them same gobi 65 to eat

hire 200 more....... and more ........

 

TCS method:

 

hire a lion

give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary

lion dies of hunger and frustration

 

 

IBM's method:

 

hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour ....

he dies of unemployment...

 

Syntel Method:-

 

Hire a Cat ...

assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and

make sure that he never reaches onsite.

Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....

 

TechMahindra method:

 

hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 60% he will lose the job.

lion dies of the strain

 

i-Flex method:

 

hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari

for implementing flexcube in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes

alive he will get band movement (promotion)

holy cow dies in fear of the real lion

 

     HCL Method:

 

hire a lion .

tell him to merge with Goats (Polaris) and reduce his allowance...

lion dies from fear that tomorrow he might become a goat....

 

Polaris Method :

 

hire ..sorry....purchase a lion( HCL  ) ..

change his timings...(instead of 9 AM ....change it to 8:30 AM )

cut down his allowance (coupons etc)

lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....

 

 

Patni method:

 

hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...

the lion dies before joining....

 

 

Wipro Method:

Hire a Lion,

give him a mail Id.

he will die receiving stupid mails all day........!!!!

 

Accenture Method:

 

Hire a lion....

Send him to chennai

Ask him to stay on bench for a long time

Ask him to eat idly,Dosa and Vada

No hindi, kanaka or no other languages speaking ppl other than TAMIL...

No good food, No water..and specially No Beautiful girls

And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger".

Lion dies in confusion he is Tiger or lion......

 

HUAWEI Method:

 

Hire a Cat; give him a salary of a Lion...

Give him work of 3 Lions

Tell him to work late and even on weekends...

No time for food and family, automatically die

 

 

 

 

INFOSYS METHOD:

HIRE A LION�..

SEND HIM FOR TRAINING IN MYSORE AND MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE

...................................................KING OF THE JUNGLE! J

MAKE HIM TAKE GENERIC COMPREE EXAM 

............... LION TURNS INTO CAT

MAKE HIM TAKE STREAM COMPREE EXAM

�...........................................�.CAT TURNS INTO A MOUSE

SEND HIM INTO PRODUCTION WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WID HE LEARNED IN TRNG  

................................. MOUSE RUNS HERE AND THERE FOR HELP!!!

SEND HIM MAILS TELLING ABOUT MANDATORY CERTIFICATIONS

................................................MOUSE COMMITS SUICIDE

   THE LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST

 

 BOSCH METHOD: 

 

developer explanation:: 

Hire a Free Bird,

Give him 100 tickets and tell him that tomorrow is the software freeze.

Bird will try to become a lion ,but he cant and PM will kill the bird